I'm in love with my local thrift store :) and their half off days. So we have acquired two bikes, two trikes, a bedding set, a set of five pillows, a beautiful couch, a waffle maker (yummy perfect Belgian waffle kind) earphones, a vacuum, two beautiful dresses, a table and a lunch box....what was my grand total for all of these items over a year's worth of shopping....are you ready for it?
$230...
Yep...that was it.
And the beauty is, I dump off all my junk and they take it with a smile. I love the idea of recycling and also the drama of using other people's old stuff. I know that sounds totally yuck, but imagine another person with another life made waffles in your gently used waffle maker. Was it a wedding present? are they a parent, newlywed, college kid?? Makes a creative mind spin... :)
But the best thing is seeing the looks on my kid's faces when a non-Christmas day gift of Christmas quality enters their life randomly. :)
FUN....now if the same theory of blessing and random givingness just applied to my getting a really good paying writing gig....I would be...well totally stoked.
This :( has been a bad day, so luckily giving my thrift store finds has brightened it up nicely, but it is one of those days a person and especially a single mother raising two alone, just doesn't want to face.
I have mounds and piles and oodles of writing, housework and stuff to do....tons and I found out that I just barely, so-sorry, we love you, :( missed out on a great gig to another person. I know it happens, it happens all the time, everyday and writers deal with it...and I have been dealing with it for five years. I have been the one (weee meee) many times, but this time...this time would have been REALLY nice....oh well.
I will just keep wishing, manifesting, writing and praying that one day...my day in the sun will come...otherwise I will continue to dice people up for scraps (ah, if you only knew)...and be grateful!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Edge of Glory.....
Okay folks, this one is for Big Diva....
She is a Gaga fanatic, I never even knew who Lady Gaga was until my (at the time) three year old, came home singing "Poker Face" at the top of her lungs accompanied by dance moves I had never quite seen Big Diva be able to accomplish before.
It is because of Big Diva that I like Lady Gaga....
It is because of my Divas that I did this....
Lady Gaga is sponsoring a video project (promotion) for her single Edge of Glory...so here's our video...
I can't wait to show Big Diva.... :) and well, I'm a little proud of it too. I threw this together last night (after work) and it took a coupla hours, so forgive the cruddy production quality...but whatever, it was a blast.
What is fun about this is that Lady Gaga wants everyone to express themselves anyway the see fit...ENJOY!
I know it seems like it has a bit of a negative slant, but its about bunking stereo-types...very Gaga :)
You should make one too!!!
She is a Gaga fanatic, I never even knew who Lady Gaga was until my (at the time) three year old, came home singing "Poker Face" at the top of her lungs accompanied by dance moves I had never quite seen Big Diva be able to accomplish before.
It is because of Big Diva that I like Lady Gaga....
It is because of my Divas that I did this....
Lady Gaga is sponsoring a video project (promotion) for her single Edge of Glory...so here's our video...
I can't wait to show Big Diva.... :) and well, I'm a little proud of it too. I threw this together last night (after work) and it took a coupla hours, so forgive the cruddy production quality...but whatever, it was a blast.
What is fun about this is that Lady Gaga wants everyone to express themselves anyway the see fit...ENJOY!
I know it seems like it has a bit of a negative slant, but its about bunking stereo-types...very Gaga :)
You should make one too!!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Robbin' in the Hood
So, without giving too much away, we live in a big city. It has nice parts, very nice parts, amazing parts, not so great parts and...(cue Elvis) The Ghettooooohhhhh....Guess where we live? Now, I am not new to Ghetto fabulousness, I lived in Los Feliz when it was...Elvis? will you do us the honor....the Ghettooo...thank you. Eagle Rock and Mount Washington...when it was a little like...Elvis? "the ghetto", less letters, lower case...see not so ghetto. But we have returned...big, bold and beautiful to THE HOOD and while you can ride a Vespa and get to a good part of town in about 148 seconds, our street is still HOOD-dee lah dee dah HOOD!
Okay, let me tell you about our short block where SO MUCH happens, daily. First of all, as stated in previous posts I am one of only 3 "Americans" living in our hood, the other two live on the nicer street and one is an opera singer and the other works for DWP and gives away free stuff. Our side is the Latino side. NO ONE...and I will repeat NOT ONE PERSON over the age of 8 speaks English. The Nice Mommy Neighbor kinda sorta mostly-ish speaks English, enough to communicate about shopping, showering the kids and we work together on solving disputes between disgruntled 5 year olds. I am still not sure she is using her real name as everyone BUT me, calls her by a different first name and I know she talks behind my back, but she also brings me tea and medicine when I'm sick. So my final (fluctuating) assessment of her is, she trusts me about as much as I trust her which is about 78% of the time with each of us ready to throw the other under the bus at a moment's notice. If it came to defending her space, read: growing it by taking ours, or her children read: supporting her kids stealing and lying, then she would toss us to the wind and fight for the right to get ahead anyway she can. However, this has improved over the year and she has actually returned stolen items to us, vs. said they were hers when they, CLEARLY AND IN BOLD PRINT, had my kid's names on them....fail.
However, I have grown to really like her and I think likes she, me. She even said she is bored when I am not here and misses us, as she hasn't got anyone to really hang out with. We make each other food, but usually I feed her kids. However, she also feeds mine...so we share. Her husband is a TOTAL JERK...there isn't anything I have nice to say about him at all, not one stinking word. The only time he has ever even spoken to me was to pick a fight with someone who stole my screen door. I must say I swooned a bit thinking maybe this stoic, wife beating man was softening...but "no" it turns out he has a beef with those neighbors and wanted to strut his tail feathers.
So, we have learned to completely, utterly and absolutely, disregard each other. He does like Big Diva and fancies she will marry his son, (strange on so many levels...which I will talk about later) and he is remarkably sweet to her, but Me...NADA, Zilch, "no le interesa". I was told in Spanlish by his wife that he "doesn't like" me because I am able to provide the same for my family as he does for his and I am only a woman...while this was garbled in many misused words and Spanglish I didn't quite understand, I got the point. So, in order to make peace with the fact that I can buy EXACTLY what he can, as a woman, he tries to make what is mine, his...usually by taking my SPACE as we share a yard. We finally fenced in our area so he couldn't throw beer cans on it or set fire to it as he had tried to when he decided to put a backyard bonfire right next to my kid's (very expensive) wooden play structure. Now I just have to contend with his darn puppy in my house ALL THE TIME and his freaking bunnies, pooping all over the place. Not to mention his drunk buddies stumbling all over the yard....not exactly the way I wanted my innocent girls growing up. It's funny, I like a nice glass of wine, but I have it at dinner in pretty glasses and I DON'T sit in the yard with a magnum of wine and a paper cup and plow through that bad boy until I'm blurry eyed. But Neighbor Dad, he's half tanked by 10pm and this is after taking down a 12 pack. I don't want to get anymore annoyed but I will applaud myself for standing up for our space and my kid's future by tattling to the landlords and setting up clear boundaries. Which include privacy fences that mostly protect my kids from the insane amount of drinking that goes on in our back yard.
Again, I'm all for a party, but if lunch and dinner consist of 24 cans of Tecate...I may just have a bit of a problem with it. However, at the moment, our weapons are down. SO...this has NOTHING to do with the title of my post.... :)
One further note...as if I'm not having enough trouble getting to the point. Across the street and down three houses is the "black" side of the street. All the houses from the third house across the street down are inhabited by black people. They have never once crossed to our side of the street, nor have they acknowledged my kids. Apart from this one awesome guy who rides his bike down our street everyday and waves at the girls and yells "great family" to me...just for the record, I love that guy. Now, I must confess, I haven't crossed the street baring pie, to introduce myself, so why on earth would I assume that just because my kids are black and they are black that we would want anything to do with one another. Really if I wanted to hang out with them, it was my move and I didn't make it. Granted there were no "Mrs. Mayberry RFD's" waving me over, so I didn't want to be the dorky white person who was like, "Hi, I made pie and guess what my kids are black too"...ick. So we just exist roughly 4 houses and a street away from one another.
I will say that within the first week of moving in, I was invited to two birthday parties and a christening on our side and while I feel like an alien who can't speak the language, I do feel that there is a sense of limited "like" for me. My kids are a different story. Big Diva...RULES THE STREET. She is the queen of all...I swear, I am not bragging, that kid has everyone bowing and kowtowing to her, which I don't always think is a good thing. But that's her style she is a leader and damn if she isn't going to lead...even in a foreign language. I do have to pull in her reigns a bit, but it still doesn't stop the Big Diva idolization and worship that goes on around here. Little Diva is just coming out of her shell and is being given adoration, mostly cause she is Big Diva's sister...but really its all about Big Diva. SO....to MY POINT.
Robbin' in the hood. Part of the beauty and sadness of this area is we are all poor. (yep, I'm poor, I'm rich in many things...but money ain't one of them). So, I have learned (the hard way) that "If it ain't nailed down or locked up...its stolen). We are in a safe neighborhood nobody hurts each other, apart from domestic disputes (which suck) but folks here are just poor. Their mentality is...if you left it out, you must not want it, and well, "I need it" so "I'll take it" its not stealing as much as acquiescing stuff that clearly the owner is relinquishing. And if you tell them, that "no" you didn't want to lose your stuff, well, diverting your eyes and pretending that you don't understand, really helps you hold on to your newly acquired stuff.
That being said, this same mentality also helps find AMAZING free stuff and INCREDIBLE deals. I have been privy to some of the best financial finds of my life because my neighbors have clued me into a great sale, deal or giveaway in the area. I have even been lead by hand to freebees that my neighbors have not been able to tell me about in English. I LOVE THIS ABOUT THEM, I am never left out of the good stuff. I have gotten, food, toys, backpacks, clothes, you name it, all given to me cause a neighbor dragged me off to some "first come first served, giveaway" in the neighborhood.
So, I really do love them...and I am so blessed. I feel so connected to this community that my kids will be going to a dual immersion school and will be learning in both Spanish and English, graduating from sixth grade fluent in Spanish...that is so cool and I hope to learn with them.
So, my neighbors across the street lost their house, the bank foreclosed their house after a fire destroyed their income property and they were not able to make the payments. After two years of not being able to catch up on the mortgage, the bank locked them out. They HAD NOTHING... I heard that they were not allowed to get their stuff inside the house and lost everything. So, one day I was out in the yard with the kids and saw a HUGE (the size of a small country) moving van pulling up to the house. I knocked on Nice Neighbor Mommy's door and told her about the truck, as she knew the people who lived there, who were somehow (and I may never really know how) related to her. She called them on their cell and was able to rally the neighborhood together to stand with the stuff collecting on the street and protect it from looters and the moving guys until the family was able to come and claim it. They stayed out there for at least three hours, just sitting in front of the stuff as the movers (also "Americans") were at a loss, not knowing what move to make next. They finally left (but their truck stayed) for a few hours. But every time they went to put a piece of furniture in their truck, the neighbors threw themselves on it, all cussing and telling off the movers. When passer-bys started to pick through it, they did the same. Finally the owners showed up and reclaimed their things. And as everyone in our hood owns a truck, 5 or 6 trucks all belonging to various neighbors showed up and in two loads moved all of the stuff. The women stood vigil until dark and each piece was gone.
So, while I am a stranger in a strange new land, I am grateful to be learning a new language and a new code of ethics. While I don't plan on adopting all of what I am learning, nor will I be teaching it to my children, I did see a five hour span of time turn into a peaceful demonstration of will and determination to not allow Robbin' in their hood and this I WILL teach my children. I will teach them that it is noble, right and honorable to defend another person...even if "The Man" is taking their stuff...stand strong and defend what is right. Bravo folks, I wish I spoke enough Spanish to understand what was happening, but by the end of the day I knew. These poor folks may have lost their home, but you made sure that they didn't lose their stuff too!
While some of this post may have seemed elitist or racist, it is not. I live here too and I am just making observations on my life. Remember, I am an outsider looking in, as NONE of the cultures on my block are the ones I was raised in, however it they were, this blog would be scathing :)
Okay, let me tell you about our short block where SO MUCH happens, daily. First of all, as stated in previous posts I am one of only 3 "Americans" living in our hood, the other two live on the nicer street and one is an opera singer and the other works for DWP and gives away free stuff. Our side is the Latino side. NO ONE...and I will repeat NOT ONE PERSON over the age of 8 speaks English. The Nice Mommy Neighbor kinda sorta mostly-ish speaks English, enough to communicate about shopping, showering the kids and we work together on solving disputes between disgruntled 5 year olds. I am still not sure she is using her real name as everyone BUT me, calls her by a different first name and I know she talks behind my back, but she also brings me tea and medicine when I'm sick. So my final (fluctuating) assessment of her is, she trusts me about as much as I trust her which is about 78% of the time with each of us ready to throw the other under the bus at a moment's notice. If it came to defending her space, read: growing it by taking ours, or her children read: supporting her kids stealing and lying, then she would toss us to the wind and fight for the right to get ahead anyway she can. However, this has improved over the year and she has actually returned stolen items to us, vs. said they were hers when they, CLEARLY AND IN BOLD PRINT, had my kid's names on them....fail.
However, I have grown to really like her and I think likes she, me. She even said she is bored when I am not here and misses us, as she hasn't got anyone to really hang out with. We make each other food, but usually I feed her kids. However, she also feeds mine...so we share. Her husband is a TOTAL JERK...there isn't anything I have nice to say about him at all, not one stinking word. The only time he has ever even spoken to me was to pick a fight with someone who stole my screen door. I must say I swooned a bit thinking maybe this stoic, wife beating man was softening...but "no" it turns out he has a beef with those neighbors and wanted to strut his tail feathers.
So, we have learned to completely, utterly and absolutely, disregard each other. He does like Big Diva and fancies she will marry his son, (strange on so many levels...which I will talk about later) and he is remarkably sweet to her, but Me...NADA, Zilch, "no le interesa". I was told in Spanlish by his wife that he "doesn't like" me because I am able to provide the same for my family as he does for his and I am only a woman...while this was garbled in many misused words and Spanglish I didn't quite understand, I got the point. So, in order to make peace with the fact that I can buy EXACTLY what he can, as a woman, he tries to make what is mine, his...usually by taking my SPACE as we share a yard. We finally fenced in our area so he couldn't throw beer cans on it or set fire to it as he had tried to when he decided to put a backyard bonfire right next to my kid's (very expensive) wooden play structure. Now I just have to contend with his darn puppy in my house ALL THE TIME and his freaking bunnies, pooping all over the place. Not to mention his drunk buddies stumbling all over the yard....not exactly the way I wanted my innocent girls growing up. It's funny, I like a nice glass of wine, but I have it at dinner in pretty glasses and I DON'T sit in the yard with a magnum of wine and a paper cup and plow through that bad boy until I'm blurry eyed. But Neighbor Dad, he's half tanked by 10pm and this is after taking down a 12 pack. I don't want to get anymore annoyed but I will applaud myself for standing up for our space and my kid's future by tattling to the landlords and setting up clear boundaries. Which include privacy fences that mostly protect my kids from the insane amount of drinking that goes on in our back yard.
Again, I'm all for a party, but if lunch and dinner consist of 24 cans of Tecate...I may just have a bit of a problem with it. However, at the moment, our weapons are down. SO...this has NOTHING to do with the title of my post.... :)
One further note...as if I'm not having enough trouble getting to the point. Across the street and down three houses is the "black" side of the street. All the houses from the third house across the street down are inhabited by black people. They have never once crossed to our side of the street, nor have they acknowledged my kids. Apart from this one awesome guy who rides his bike down our street everyday and waves at the girls and yells "great family" to me...just for the record, I love that guy. Now, I must confess, I haven't crossed the street baring pie, to introduce myself, so why on earth would I assume that just because my kids are black and they are black that we would want anything to do with one another. Really if I wanted to hang out with them, it was my move and I didn't make it. Granted there were no "Mrs. Mayberry RFD's" waving me over, so I didn't want to be the dorky white person who was like, "Hi, I made pie and guess what my kids are black too"...ick. So we just exist roughly 4 houses and a street away from one another.
I will say that within the first week of moving in, I was invited to two birthday parties and a christening on our side and while I feel like an alien who can't speak the language, I do feel that there is a sense of limited "like" for me. My kids are a different story. Big Diva...RULES THE STREET. She is the queen of all...I swear, I am not bragging, that kid has everyone bowing and kowtowing to her, which I don't always think is a good thing. But that's her style she is a leader and damn if she isn't going to lead...even in a foreign language. I do have to pull in her reigns a bit, but it still doesn't stop the Big Diva idolization and worship that goes on around here. Little Diva is just coming out of her shell and is being given adoration, mostly cause she is Big Diva's sister...but really its all about Big Diva. SO....to MY POINT.
Robbin' in the hood. Part of the beauty and sadness of this area is we are all poor. (yep, I'm poor, I'm rich in many things...but money ain't one of them). So, I have learned (the hard way) that "If it ain't nailed down or locked up...its stolen). We are in a safe neighborhood nobody hurts each other, apart from domestic disputes (which suck) but folks here are just poor. Their mentality is...if you left it out, you must not want it, and well, "I need it" so "I'll take it" its not stealing as much as acquiescing stuff that clearly the owner is relinquishing. And if you tell them, that "no" you didn't want to lose your stuff, well, diverting your eyes and pretending that you don't understand, really helps you hold on to your newly acquired stuff.
That being said, this same mentality also helps find AMAZING free stuff and INCREDIBLE deals. I have been privy to some of the best financial finds of my life because my neighbors have clued me into a great sale, deal or giveaway in the area. I have even been lead by hand to freebees that my neighbors have not been able to tell me about in English. I LOVE THIS ABOUT THEM, I am never left out of the good stuff. I have gotten, food, toys, backpacks, clothes, you name it, all given to me cause a neighbor dragged me off to some "first come first served, giveaway" in the neighborhood.
So, I really do love them...and I am so blessed. I feel so connected to this community that my kids will be going to a dual immersion school and will be learning in both Spanish and English, graduating from sixth grade fluent in Spanish...that is so cool and I hope to learn with them.
So, my neighbors across the street lost their house, the bank foreclosed their house after a fire destroyed their income property and they were not able to make the payments. After two years of not being able to catch up on the mortgage, the bank locked them out. They HAD NOTHING... I heard that they were not allowed to get their stuff inside the house and lost everything. So, one day I was out in the yard with the kids and saw a HUGE (the size of a small country) moving van pulling up to the house. I knocked on Nice Neighbor Mommy's door and told her about the truck, as she knew the people who lived there, who were somehow (and I may never really know how) related to her. She called them on their cell and was able to rally the neighborhood together to stand with the stuff collecting on the street and protect it from looters and the moving guys until the family was able to come and claim it. They stayed out there for at least three hours, just sitting in front of the stuff as the movers (also "Americans") were at a loss, not knowing what move to make next. They finally left (but their truck stayed) for a few hours. But every time they went to put a piece of furniture in their truck, the neighbors threw themselves on it, all cussing and telling off the movers. When passer-bys started to pick through it, they did the same. Finally the owners showed up and reclaimed their things. And as everyone in our hood owns a truck, 5 or 6 trucks all belonging to various neighbors showed up and in two loads moved all of the stuff. The women stood vigil until dark and each piece was gone.
So, while I am a stranger in a strange new land, I am grateful to be learning a new language and a new code of ethics. While I don't plan on adopting all of what I am learning, nor will I be teaching it to my children, I did see a five hour span of time turn into a peaceful demonstration of will and determination to not allow Robbin' in their hood and this I WILL teach my children. I will teach them that it is noble, right and honorable to defend another person...even if "The Man" is taking their stuff...stand strong and defend what is right. Bravo folks, I wish I spoke enough Spanish to understand what was happening, but by the end of the day I knew. These poor folks may have lost their home, but you made sure that they didn't lose their stuff too!
While some of this post may have seemed elitist or racist, it is not. I live here too and I am just making observations on my life. Remember, I am an outsider looking in, as NONE of the cultures on my block are the ones I was raised in, however it they were, this blog would be scathing :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Flying Solo and Mother's Day and Mothers....
So I read another friend's blog about being a solo parent on Mother's Day (Mommytothemonsters.com) and this means that not only are you parenting alone, but you are pretty much alone, no ex-husband to help the kids get you a gift, no other involved family members (either separated by loss, distance or otherwise) to help you celebrate this special day. She expressed her desire to stay in bed, have a little down time and enjoy celebrating all of her hard labor, love and work to care for her children. And you know...I get it... TOTALLY!
While I have a great family and a great "Dad" for the kids, I don't really have anyone here at home who says, "You know honey, I'll get the kids ready this morning and you...you just stay in bed." I do have an awesome mom who took me and the kids to brunch, but my awesome mom is also a single parent again and she has her own little one to get up and get dressed with. I do have to add that both of our kids did not wake up on time (LIKE THEY HAVE ALL OF THEIR LIVES) and we both slept in (yeah moms) but we also both almost missed our brunch reservations. Thanks to GPS and a gracious restaurant host, we made it to brunch and had a wonderful time. The Divas wore princess wear and were noticed by just about everyone in the room and Mom's little munchkin, I'll call her "Divette" was so well behaved, you could never even believe that she was only 8 months old.
In all it was a beautiful day...and I love my mom for it. My newly-a-mother sister was in Hawaii with her in-laws, husband and Divette's brother (soon to be adopted by My sister and Her Hubs) and they are enjoying a tropical vacation. My sister got flowers, a massage and it looks like her little man, named The Small Postman (long story...but it is a reference to UP their favorite film) is having the time of his life. This is amazing and it looks like the way most new moms should whoop it up.
While my mother's day did come complete with a HORSE in our front yard and a very gracious horse rider letting Big Diva sit on top of it, it wasn't quite the sandy beaches of an exotic locale and while I was a little envious (um hello...who wouldn't be) I really focused on the reason I was celebrating the day and that was to spend time with my mother and the two little loves of my life.
I may make fun of my kids and grumble a bit about how hard it is TO DO IT ALL!!! But at the end of the day, those two girls and all of the little kiddos in our family are just so amazing. My children are incredible people and I would rather be with them than anyone else in the world and Mother's Day always reminds me of how blessed I am.
Big Diva reminded me all day that it was my special day and I even got to pick out MY favorite kids movie to watch together when Little Diva went to bed. Little Diva LOVED being dressed up and it is so amazing to see her starting to be more and more like her sister, loving dressing up, being a princess (thank God for Tiana) and exploring her fabulousness...
Motherhood has changed me entirely, it has changed my heart, my mind, my body and every aspect of my life. Motherhood has brought me incredible joy and always brings joy, but it has also brought tears, frustration and exhaustion and a mother would be lying if she didn't admit, if only to herself, that she struggles at times.
I said once in a another blog I write, that Motherhood is only for the qualified and I believe that entirely. You can be a bad mother, you can be an incredibly bad mother, but even the worst mother, is in charge of everything...at the end of the day it is always her job to be the "everything" to everyone. So imagine being an incredible mother, imagine the work, commitment and dedication that it takes and then imagine being an incredible mother alone... and even if it was by choice and I would have it not other way, I too feel just a little tumbled by the tide.
Currently, my house looks like a guy's dorm...and I'll venture to guess it smells that way too. The kids and I opted to play dress up, dance, paint and swim vs. scrub toilets, floors and dishes. I, however, am getting my @ss kicked today, having to clean it all up, write 20 pages and...LOOK FOR ANOTHER WRITING JOB, it is as if solo parents never get off the ride. So rather than bitch about it (um, Momma Drama, what have you just spent like um... a couple thousand words just doing???) I am choosing to forgive whatever it is that I can't accomplish...there, now, that feels good.
And in the act of forgiveness I will always forgive the mothers who gave birth to my children. Big Diva was able to connect with her birth family and now Flyy Diva, her big sister is a mommy and it is amazing to see life, just heal like that. But, Flyy Diva knows and sees Big Diva's mom and one day Big Diva will see her mom too, not today as it will be a shock to Big Diva, who is beautiful and full of life, just like Flyy Diva. It will be a shock because Big Diva's birthmom is in a hospital with a major brain injury and can't talk, so all the fantasy that Big Diva has developed around her, will be dashed. So me and Flyy Diva have decided to wait until the time is right. But I am and always will be so grateful to Flyy and Big Diva's mom for giving birth to both of them.
Finally Little Diva's mom. I get three letters a month from prison, in each packet one letter is addressed to me and one to Little Diva, with Little Diva's adopted name on it. She struggles daily with the loss of her daughter and after getting letters from Little Diva's Bio Grandmom, I can now see why Little Diva's mom made some of the choices that she made, she never had a chance to be a healthy person with someone like her own mother in her life. I feel a lot of love and sadness for Little Diva's mom and I have tried to keep up and at least send one card and pictures every month to her in prison. I am grateful to Little Diva's mom for Little Diva and I am trying with all of my power to forge a healthy relationship with her, so that Little Diva will have the same blessings that Big Diva has. It is a bit harder as Little Diva's mom can turn on a dime and will be charming one day and cut you with a knife another, so I know that I can't be too lulled by her sweet cards until I see her prove, with her actions, that she can be safe. But that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break for her, because in all honesty, I have the thing she treasures most and Little Diva is an incredible being and while I am so very very blessed to be her mommy, I know how much her birth mother misses her and so I hope that when Little Diva is older, she will be able to help her mom heal through this....but we live in the moment, so this is our moment.
And thus ends my blog about Motherhood...with one final thought. My mom really has only one name, I call her Mom, before I became a mother, I was always me, I only had MY name and I was known by no other and that was my life, but today, I too am "Mom" and my other name is rarely used, and that other life is rarely lived and I, like my own mother, have walked along a different but same path in this strange land, a land that is always being discovered...now we are sharing the same name
.
While I have a great family and a great "Dad" for the kids, I don't really have anyone here at home who says, "You know honey, I'll get the kids ready this morning and you...you just stay in bed." I do have an awesome mom who took me and the kids to brunch, but my awesome mom is also a single parent again and she has her own little one to get up and get dressed with. I do have to add that both of our kids did not wake up on time (LIKE THEY HAVE ALL OF THEIR LIVES) and we both slept in (yeah moms) but we also both almost missed our brunch reservations. Thanks to GPS and a gracious restaurant host, we made it to brunch and had a wonderful time. The Divas wore princess wear and were noticed by just about everyone in the room and Mom's little munchkin, I'll call her "Divette" was so well behaved, you could never even believe that she was only 8 months old.
In all it was a beautiful day...and I love my mom for it. My newly-a-mother sister was in Hawaii with her in-laws, husband and Divette's brother (soon to be adopted by My sister and Her Hubs) and they are enjoying a tropical vacation. My sister got flowers, a massage and it looks like her little man, named The Small Postman (long story...but it is a reference to UP their favorite film) is having the time of his life. This is amazing and it looks like the way most new moms should whoop it up.
While my mother's day did come complete with a HORSE in our front yard and a very gracious horse rider letting Big Diva sit on top of it, it wasn't quite the sandy beaches of an exotic locale and while I was a little envious (um hello...who wouldn't be) I really focused on the reason I was celebrating the day and that was to spend time with my mother and the two little loves of my life.
I may make fun of my kids and grumble a bit about how hard it is TO DO IT ALL!!! But at the end of the day, those two girls and all of the little kiddos in our family are just so amazing. My children are incredible people and I would rather be with them than anyone else in the world and Mother's Day always reminds me of how blessed I am.
Big Diva reminded me all day that it was my special day and I even got to pick out MY favorite kids movie to watch together when Little Diva went to bed. Little Diva LOVED being dressed up and it is so amazing to see her starting to be more and more like her sister, loving dressing up, being a princess (thank God for Tiana) and exploring her fabulousness...
Motherhood has changed me entirely, it has changed my heart, my mind, my body and every aspect of my life. Motherhood has brought me incredible joy and always brings joy, but it has also brought tears, frustration and exhaustion and a mother would be lying if she didn't admit, if only to herself, that she struggles at times.
I said once in a another blog I write, that Motherhood is only for the qualified and I believe that entirely. You can be a bad mother, you can be an incredibly bad mother, but even the worst mother, is in charge of everything...at the end of the day it is always her job to be the "everything" to everyone. So imagine being an incredible mother, imagine the work, commitment and dedication that it takes and then imagine being an incredible mother alone... and even if it was by choice and I would have it not other way, I too feel just a little tumbled by the tide.
Currently, my house looks like a guy's dorm...and I'll venture to guess it smells that way too. The kids and I opted to play dress up, dance, paint and swim vs. scrub toilets, floors and dishes. I, however, am getting my @ss kicked today, having to clean it all up, write 20 pages and...LOOK FOR ANOTHER WRITING JOB, it is as if solo parents never get off the ride. So rather than bitch about it (um, Momma Drama, what have you just spent like um... a couple thousand words just doing???) I am choosing to forgive whatever it is that I can't accomplish...there, now, that feels good.
And in the act of forgiveness I will always forgive the mothers who gave birth to my children. Big Diva was able to connect with her birth family and now Flyy Diva, her big sister is a mommy and it is amazing to see life, just heal like that. But, Flyy Diva knows and sees Big Diva's mom and one day Big Diva will see her mom too, not today as it will be a shock to Big Diva, who is beautiful and full of life, just like Flyy Diva. It will be a shock because Big Diva's birthmom is in a hospital with a major brain injury and can't talk, so all the fantasy that Big Diva has developed around her, will be dashed. So me and Flyy Diva have decided to wait until the time is right. But I am and always will be so grateful to Flyy and Big Diva's mom for giving birth to both of them.
Finally Little Diva's mom. I get three letters a month from prison, in each packet one letter is addressed to me and one to Little Diva, with Little Diva's adopted name on it. She struggles daily with the loss of her daughter and after getting letters from Little Diva's Bio Grandmom, I can now see why Little Diva's mom made some of the choices that she made, she never had a chance to be a healthy person with someone like her own mother in her life. I feel a lot of love and sadness for Little Diva's mom and I have tried to keep up and at least send one card and pictures every month to her in prison. I am grateful to Little Diva's mom for Little Diva and I am trying with all of my power to forge a healthy relationship with her, so that Little Diva will have the same blessings that Big Diva has. It is a bit harder as Little Diva's mom can turn on a dime and will be charming one day and cut you with a knife another, so I know that I can't be too lulled by her sweet cards until I see her prove, with her actions, that she can be safe. But that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break for her, because in all honesty, I have the thing she treasures most and Little Diva is an incredible being and while I am so very very blessed to be her mommy, I know how much her birth mother misses her and so I hope that when Little Diva is older, she will be able to help her mom heal through this....but we live in the moment, so this is our moment.
And thus ends my blog about Motherhood...with one final thought. My mom really has only one name, I call her Mom, before I became a mother, I was always me, I only had MY name and I was known by no other and that was my life, but today, I too am "Mom" and my other name is rarely used, and that other life is rarely lived and I, like my own mother, have walked along a different but same path in this strange land, a land that is always being discovered...now we are sharing the same name
.
Friday, May 6, 2011
An Ode to Wine and What I Didn't Tell the Therapist!
Well, I'll just flat out say it. I'm a mom who drinks wine. There :) I don't drink it excessively, I have NEVER gotten drunk since being a parent (can't...cough.sputter.um...say that I didn't BEFORE parenting) but I like me some fermented grapes.
At yesterday's therapy I was given a worksheet to help me better understand Big Diva's drama, by seeing that I too (gasp) have sensory drama...guess what?! we all do, we just have it to varying degrees and this tidy little worksheet will out your sensory needs in a jiffy. Here are some of the questions....and well, the answers.
1. To help me wake up in the morning I usually need to....
MD: Well, I NEED to take a bath, have a cup of coffee, surf the internet, brush my teeth, pee, eat toast...what I get to do... IS PEE, with a two year old hanging on my leg wearing a soggy diaper and a five year old using the two year old's potty, cause as soon as she hears me pee, she needs to as well. WORTH NOTING: I do NOT pee, poop or void any other bodily fluid ALONE...EVER! The bathroom is just about as busy as our living room.
2. What I like most about our home is....
MD: Our home has these beautiful batiks on the walls, nice cozy furniture, Buddhas...I love the peace and vibrant beauty of our home. I adore our house...and if you can get past the dog hair rodents (balls of dog hair that have reanimated into beastly dust bunnies with teeth and fangs) and the yogurt stained walls, its pretty close to perfect. SCORE!
3. When I am frustrated and upset it helps to...
MD: (Panics) and SAYS: I go outside and breath heavily...(which I do, most of the time) But what it HELPS to do.... is drink wine. (Smile, breathe, sip)
4. When I prepare for bed or to calm myself I prefer to....
MD: (says) Pass out (not from drinking wine...seriously) BUT here's what my day looks like. 7AM, wake up like a bolt of lighting hit me between the eyes with two children storming my bedroom and bed. PEE (see#1) Dress, two picky-must-wear this-no this-not that-wait this, kids feed, two I wanna eat this, no that, no wait that, not this, I said "that!" kids, brush two heads of very curly hair, moisturize kid's hair and skin, re-puff hair, find shoes, get in the car drive to this one's school, then, that one's school, come home MAKE COFFEE. 9AM. Write Hollywood Starlet Memoir, ghost write garish vain mom shopping blog, write serial killer book, look for work, look for more work, keep looking for work 3:30PM pick up Big Diva, drive to get Little Diva, drive home...IMMEDIATELY strip off clothes to underwear (kids, not me, now that would be horror!) jump in pool with neighbor boys also sporting underwear, splash in pool, save 2 year olds from nearly drowning numerous times, take 5 shivering kids out... put my two in the bath (other three go to their bath) take kids out of bath dress in pajama/playwear, fix dinner feed anywhere from 2 to 5 or more children, finish food, go to the front yard ride bikes, make art projects, do homework, feed fruit for desert, socialize in Spanglish, clean up dinner (means pile in sink) put screaming over tired 35lbs 2 year old to bed, usually kicking and writhing. Sing 2 year old's three favorite songs in order, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle, Lullaby and then wait for her to sing her rendition of all three songs, Read Tiana book, lotion legs and give massage, hug kiss, close door. Return to 5 year old who is demanding her MOVIE THEATER time, either find a computer movie or put on a DVD for anywhere from 2 to 9 kids, listen to movie while, continuing to write Diva Hollywood Starlet book, Serial Killer Story, Dream Project...answer emails. 9PM Big Diva goes to bed, sing her two favorite songs Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, ABCD (same song folks, just different words) 5 year old is much more of a music aficionado, and I must sing in my best, hippest, most Lady Gaga like voice. Kiss. Hug. Close door. Write this blog, continue to write...till wee hours of the night...PASS OUT!!!! Everyday, 5 days a week, except for weekends, where I have my high energy, Diva, leader children to myself ALL DAY....So, what do I do to prepare myself for bed and calm down...?
I PREFER TO DRINK A GLASS OF WINE :)
5. What I need to concentrate, the environment I create includes:
Reality: It includes, "Mommy" being spoken at various octaves and decibels repeatedly at roughly 2.7 minute intervals over and over and over again. It usually includes the sounds of unbridled glee, that are so joyous only someone who has never had to pay a parking ticket, taxes or a library fine has the ability to create, it usually also includes some sort of shrieking and spontaneous wailing. There are often hugs motivated by overwhelming love or the overwhelming need to be rescued from a bullying sister, neighbor or two month old puppy. (not ours). In this peaceful academic environment I have written a 10 Best of Everything Book, 200 Best Job Interview Questions, A love story about Steppin' in Chicago as a black man educated in Argentina as a world renowned tango dancer, a screenplay about an angry escaped slave, 200 Best Home Businesses, A futuristic tale about the end of the Apocalypse and the world's next savior, a kids tale about fairies who live in a tree and a series of serial killer books about a seriously f'd up guy and that is just in the last 11 months....So the ENVIRONMENT I CREATE INCLUDES....I'll give you one guess. Yep, you guessed it A GLASS OF WINE. :)
And I will add, I'm not the only mom to do so, but as said in my last post, I pay great homage to that fine beverage as it has brought me this far and I know that together we will reach the stratosphere.
And if you think that my children are viceless and above petty foibles...I will merely say.
LITTLE DIVA: Sleeps in her shoes, every night and tantrums if they are not on her feet and...
BIG DIVA: Eats her own snot.
They don't call us Drama for nothing....night folks, time for????? ahhh....I'll just keep you guessin' on that one. :)
At yesterday's therapy I was given a worksheet to help me better understand Big Diva's drama, by seeing that I too (gasp) have sensory drama...guess what?! we all do, we just have it to varying degrees and this tidy little worksheet will out your sensory needs in a jiffy. Here are some of the questions....and well, the answers.
1. To help me wake up in the morning I usually need to....
MD: Well, I NEED to take a bath, have a cup of coffee, surf the internet, brush my teeth, pee, eat toast...what I get to do... IS PEE, with a two year old hanging on my leg wearing a soggy diaper and a five year old using the two year old's potty, cause as soon as she hears me pee, she needs to as well. WORTH NOTING: I do NOT pee, poop or void any other bodily fluid ALONE...EVER! The bathroom is just about as busy as our living room.
2. What I like most about our home is....
MD: Our home has these beautiful batiks on the walls, nice cozy furniture, Buddhas...I love the peace and vibrant beauty of our home. I adore our house...and if you can get past the dog hair rodents (balls of dog hair that have reanimated into beastly dust bunnies with teeth and fangs) and the yogurt stained walls, its pretty close to perfect. SCORE!
3. When I am frustrated and upset it helps to...
MD: (Panics) and SAYS: I go outside and breath heavily...(which I do, most of the time) But what it HELPS to do.... is drink wine. (Smile, breathe, sip)
4. When I prepare for bed or to calm myself I prefer to....
MD: (says) Pass out (not from drinking wine...seriously) BUT here's what my day looks like. 7AM, wake up like a bolt of lighting hit me between the eyes with two children storming my bedroom and bed. PEE (see#1) Dress, two picky-must-wear this-no this-not that-wait this, kids feed, two I wanna eat this, no that, no wait that, not this, I said "that!" kids, brush two heads of very curly hair, moisturize kid's hair and skin, re-puff hair, find shoes, get in the car drive to this one's school, then, that one's school, come home MAKE COFFEE. 9AM. Write Hollywood Starlet Memoir, ghost write garish vain mom shopping blog, write serial killer book, look for work, look for more work, keep looking for work 3:30PM pick up Big Diva, drive to get Little Diva, drive home...IMMEDIATELY strip off clothes to underwear (kids, not me, now that would be horror!) jump in pool with neighbor boys also sporting underwear, splash in pool, save 2 year olds from nearly drowning numerous times, take 5 shivering kids out... put my two in the bath (other three go to their bath) take kids out of bath dress in pajama/playwear, fix dinner feed anywhere from 2 to 5 or more children, finish food, go to the front yard ride bikes, make art projects, do homework, feed fruit for desert, socialize in Spanglish, clean up dinner (means pile in sink) put screaming over tired 35lbs 2 year old to bed, usually kicking and writhing. Sing 2 year old's three favorite songs in order, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle, Lullaby and then wait for her to sing her rendition of all three songs, Read Tiana book, lotion legs and give massage, hug kiss, close door. Return to 5 year old who is demanding her MOVIE THEATER time, either find a computer movie or put on a DVD for anywhere from 2 to 9 kids, listen to movie while, continuing to write Diva Hollywood Starlet book, Serial Killer Story, Dream Project...answer emails. 9PM Big Diva goes to bed, sing her two favorite songs Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, ABCD (same song folks, just different words) 5 year old is much more of a music aficionado, and I must sing in my best, hippest, most Lady Gaga like voice. Kiss. Hug. Close door. Write this blog, continue to write...till wee hours of the night...PASS OUT!!!! Everyday, 5 days a week, except for weekends, where I have my high energy, Diva, leader children to myself ALL DAY....So, what do I do to prepare myself for bed and calm down...?
I PREFER TO DRINK A GLASS OF WINE :)
5. What I need to concentrate, the environment I create includes:
Reality: It includes, "Mommy" being spoken at various octaves and decibels repeatedly at roughly 2.7 minute intervals over and over and over again. It usually includes the sounds of unbridled glee, that are so joyous only someone who has never had to pay a parking ticket, taxes or a library fine has the ability to create, it usually also includes some sort of shrieking and spontaneous wailing. There are often hugs motivated by overwhelming love or the overwhelming need to be rescued from a bullying sister, neighbor or two month old puppy. (not ours). In this peaceful academic environment I have written a 10 Best of Everything Book, 200 Best Job Interview Questions, A love story about Steppin' in Chicago as a black man educated in Argentina as a world renowned tango dancer, a screenplay about an angry escaped slave, 200 Best Home Businesses, A futuristic tale about the end of the Apocalypse and the world's next savior, a kids tale about fairies who live in a tree and a series of serial killer books about a seriously f'd up guy and that is just in the last 11 months....So the ENVIRONMENT I CREATE INCLUDES....I'll give you one guess. Yep, you guessed it A GLASS OF WINE. :)
And I will add, I'm not the only mom to do so, but as said in my last post, I pay great homage to that fine beverage as it has brought me this far and I know that together we will reach the stratosphere.
And if you think that my children are viceless and above petty foibles...I will merely say.
LITTLE DIVA: Sleeps in her shoes, every night and tantrums if they are not on her feet and...
BIG DIVA: Eats her own snot.
They don't call us Drama for nothing....night folks, time for????? ahhh....I'll just keep you guessin' on that one. :)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
FISH KILLER/SERIAL KILLER, SINGLE MOM Therapy session #2
Momma Drama hangs head....
It is true.
Shhhh this is a secret, I boldly introduced "Bluey" to the Facebook world, I embraced him as the only male in our family and declared my parenthood to a little blue betta fish, that I must admit I loved. He would follow me around the aquarium and was a lot of fun to watch. We had him three days...and then he grew hair and died. And thus has ended my fish rearing...FOREVER!!! After the death of seven goldfish and a blue betta, I can officially be called a fish killer. In the infamous words of "whatever that fish was who said it" in the tank with Nemo, I am no better than the heinous braces-clad, Tweedle who vigorously shook birthday presents from her Uncle to death. I am no better than the whale slaughterers and dolphin killers that roam the open seas and sequester their kill in coves. I AM A FISH KILLER...and well, this makes me sad.
But fish aren't all I kill...(cue evil laugh). And my therapist...just can't quite get her head around it.
So lets back up a bit. Big announcement number 2 (yes, if you are counting the sudden death of Bluey is number 1) Big Diva is in therapy. Here's the deal with Big Diva. She is splendid and perfect and gorgeous and amazing...but Big Diva has some "drama". So we are dealing with Big Diva drama. Most of you know, that Big Diva was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, well, this hasn't been too too awful to endure, she just has quirks, but her quirks have turned into full scale, throw/break/shatter things tantrums and "HELL NO!" defiance that just didn't sit too well with her preschool teacher or class. So she was given a therapist and more testing, the good news about the testing is (insert mother gloating, bragging and otherwise annoying you!) she's really freaking smart. Her scores landed her in the top ten percent of children in the school district from ages 5-6 (most of whom are already in Kindergarten and yet, Big Diva is not yet)and has a raging score of 92% for comprehension. So you mix smart with "itchy" you get bitchy, or smithcy...if you're being technical. So we have a therapist and she is helping...but what I didn't bargain for is her being MY therapist too and now I have therapy once a week. This is fine, this is good, I have done the "how are you feeling" thing, so its a breeze...I see through a lot of the "stuff" and cut right to the chase, no need to be hand held into help...I just dive in, don't waste my time or yours.
So...today, I was killing people, before Nice Therapist came to the house...she also happens to have had a betta fish for the last three years, who is still alive. Seething with jealousy at her incredible fish husbandry, I started today's session after the death of Bluey and Megan Sweeney, the 91 lbs meth user and aspiring tattoo artist who was just pierced in the vein with a hypodermic needle full of air. Having recently returned to my EYES OF THE DESOLATE book series, I was writing again about the exploits of Nicky Tisdale the world's baldest, frumpiest and most invisible serial killer who is a pretty sick F*cker :). So I had to apologize lightly for my initial woozy feeling cause I was in a very strange headspace when she came in and had to shake it off.
So not to bore, I'll cut to the chase...
CONVERSATION:
Nice Therapist: It must be pretty hard to come up with that kind of gore?"
Mamma Drama: "No, not really, I have very good imagination, but I do always show the humanity in my characters, its my trademark, you aren't gonna get the gore without the human tragedy behind it...I'm not sure what is worse, reading the pain in the killer's story or the pain the killer inflicts." REAL CONVERSATION
NT: It still must be hard to be a MOM!!!!and write stuff like that.
MD: Yes.
NT: Can you separate yourself from the fiction that fast? (Mamma Drama hears: Do you want to hack up your kids?)
MD: I'm a mom, I have to. REAL CONVERSATION. But IN MY HEAD I SAID: If I can wake up to someone puking on my face, I surely can pull out of serial killer mode to make my kids a bowl of Kix.
NT: Still you must find it hard to live a double life?
MD: Yep,(smile) HEAD SAYS: I also find it hard to pay the bills, water the plants, KEEP FISH ALIVE, keep up with Big Diva's shoe collection, but you know, its part of the gig.
NT: Maybe you should work on some kind of mental transition...before you deal with your kids.
MD: Like what exactly? (look of interest and genuine concern) MY HEAD SAYS: Um like say... "kids, I just killed a character that I have taken 112 pages to develop, I really need some space right now, do me the slightest favor, can you tie your own shoes, fix your own dinner, cover and sanitize the pool while I find my happy space, please."
NT: I'm not sure, maybe watch a Disney movie or visit a mom blog.
NT: What a good thought. I say. HEAD SAYS: What a great idea, some how find a way to stall my children from needing my attention, THINKS: Only room with a lock is the bathroom, hmmmm there's a plan, lock them in there and then voluntarily of my own free will, watch a DISNEY MOVIE BY MYSELF? And then if I haven't had it good enough, read a mommy blog (I do love them, though :) and when I feel serene and peaceful without any more homicidal thoughts, release my children from bathroom lock down and make the family meal. She's a genius.
In all fairness, I do like Nice Therapist, while I feel slightly bamboozled into therapy, I appreciate her efforts. I also understand that my job maybe a little um...unusual for some, but I'm good, I have no homicidal thoughts that don't manifest on the page. I am FREAKED OUT that my mind can write such amazingly disgusting stuff, but I draw it from life and I do get real, again, it is part of my writing charm. You get the real with the fantasy gore and sex...deal with it, its part of my master plan.
However, feeling like a Fish Killer, who is really a Serial Killer while trying to be a Single Mom, did inspire enough unease to write this blog. :) Thank God for wine....but, I'll save that for my next post.
It is true.
Shhhh this is a secret, I boldly introduced "Bluey" to the Facebook world, I embraced him as the only male in our family and declared my parenthood to a little blue betta fish, that I must admit I loved. He would follow me around the aquarium and was a lot of fun to watch. We had him three days...and then he grew hair and died. And thus has ended my fish rearing...FOREVER!!! After the death of seven goldfish and a blue betta, I can officially be called a fish killer. In the infamous words of "whatever that fish was who said it" in the tank with Nemo, I am no better than the heinous braces-clad, Tweedle who vigorously shook birthday presents from her Uncle to death. I am no better than the whale slaughterers and dolphin killers that roam the open seas and sequester their kill in coves. I AM A FISH KILLER...and well, this makes me sad.
But fish aren't all I kill...(cue evil laugh). And my therapist...just can't quite get her head around it.
So lets back up a bit. Big announcement number 2 (yes, if you are counting the sudden death of Bluey is number 1) Big Diva is in therapy. Here's the deal with Big Diva. She is splendid and perfect and gorgeous and amazing...but Big Diva has some "drama". So we are dealing with Big Diva drama. Most of you know, that Big Diva was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, well, this hasn't been too too awful to endure, she just has quirks, but her quirks have turned into full scale, throw/break/shatter things tantrums and "HELL NO!" defiance that just didn't sit too well with her preschool teacher or class. So she was given a therapist and more testing, the good news about the testing is (insert mother gloating, bragging and otherwise annoying you!) she's really freaking smart. Her scores landed her in the top ten percent of children in the school district from ages 5-6 (most of whom are already in Kindergarten and yet, Big Diva is not yet)and has a raging score of 92% for comprehension. So you mix smart with "itchy" you get bitchy, or smithcy...if you're being technical. So we have a therapist and she is helping...but what I didn't bargain for is her being MY therapist too and now I have therapy once a week. This is fine, this is good, I have done the "how are you feeling" thing, so its a breeze...I see through a lot of the "stuff" and cut right to the chase, no need to be hand held into help...I just dive in, don't waste my time or yours.
So...today, I was killing people, before Nice Therapist came to the house...she also happens to have had a betta fish for the last three years, who is still alive. Seething with jealousy at her incredible fish husbandry, I started today's session after the death of Bluey and Megan Sweeney, the 91 lbs meth user and aspiring tattoo artist who was just pierced in the vein with a hypodermic needle full of air. Having recently returned to my EYES OF THE DESOLATE book series, I was writing again about the exploits of Nicky Tisdale the world's baldest, frumpiest and most invisible serial killer who is a pretty sick F*cker :). So I had to apologize lightly for my initial woozy feeling cause I was in a very strange headspace when she came in and had to shake it off.
So not to bore, I'll cut to the chase...
CONVERSATION:
Nice Therapist: It must be pretty hard to come up with that kind of gore?"
Mamma Drama: "No, not really, I have very good imagination, but I do always show the humanity in my characters, its my trademark, you aren't gonna get the gore without the human tragedy behind it...I'm not sure what is worse, reading the pain in the killer's story or the pain the killer inflicts." REAL CONVERSATION
NT: It still must be hard to be a MOM!!!!and write stuff like that.
MD: Yes.
NT: Can you separate yourself from the fiction that fast? (Mamma Drama hears: Do you want to hack up your kids?)
MD: I'm a mom, I have to. REAL CONVERSATION. But IN MY HEAD I SAID: If I can wake up to someone puking on my face, I surely can pull out of serial killer mode to make my kids a bowl of Kix.
NT: Still you must find it hard to live a double life?
MD: Yep,(smile) HEAD SAYS: I also find it hard to pay the bills, water the plants, KEEP FISH ALIVE, keep up with Big Diva's shoe collection, but you know, its part of the gig.
NT: Maybe you should work on some kind of mental transition...before you deal with your kids.
MD: Like what exactly? (look of interest and genuine concern) MY HEAD SAYS: Um like say... "kids, I just killed a character that I have taken 112 pages to develop, I really need some space right now, do me the slightest favor, can you tie your own shoes, fix your own dinner, cover and sanitize the pool while I find my happy space, please."
NT: I'm not sure, maybe watch a Disney movie or visit a mom blog.
NT: What a good thought. I say. HEAD SAYS: What a great idea, some how find a way to stall my children from needing my attention, THINKS: Only room with a lock is the bathroom, hmmmm there's a plan, lock them in there and then voluntarily of my own free will, watch a DISNEY MOVIE BY MYSELF? And then if I haven't had it good enough, read a mommy blog (I do love them, though :) and when I feel serene and peaceful without any more homicidal thoughts, release my children from bathroom lock down and make the family meal. She's a genius.
In all fairness, I do like Nice Therapist, while I feel slightly bamboozled into therapy, I appreciate her efforts. I also understand that my job maybe a little um...unusual for some, but I'm good, I have no homicidal thoughts that don't manifest on the page. I am FREAKED OUT that my mind can write such amazingly disgusting stuff, but I draw it from life and I do get real, again, it is part of my writing charm. You get the real with the fantasy gore and sex...deal with it, its part of my master plan.
However, feeling like a Fish Killer, who is really a Serial Killer while trying to be a Single Mom, did inspire enough unease to write this blog. :) Thank God for wine....but, I'll save that for my next post.
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT HAS BEEN THIS LONG
Well, I have neglected this blog entirely, but in between the lines, life has happened. So I feel sad for my blog, but I gave her a bright orange color and a commitment that I will be back to visit more often.
So....why the silence. I think most bloggers go through this, they become real people to a lot of people and soon the thoughts and feelings that you were writing about anonymously, stop being as anonymous and then drama ensues...or stuff.
In July when I wrote my last post, we were forced to move out of our home and go into hiding because Little Diva's birth family had our address and phone number, since we are still in hiding, I can't go into more detail about that...EVER :) but we do have a good corresponding relationship with Little Diva's birth mom and I am happy that she has written many letters to Little Diva, telling her that she loves her. I don't fully trust anyone in Little Diva's birth family, but I do love them and I am happy that we have a relationship with them, but in order for our relationship to remain safe, I will have to stay in "hiding".
We also now have a beautiful relationship with Big Diva's older sister and her family and for that I will always be grateful, Big Diva knows her sister and loves her and I am so very glad that she has been found and that the missing part of Big Diva's history can be recovered.
When I last wrote, I was moving to a beautiful new house, with so much to learn and explore, now that we are here, we are learning everyday to live in a different culture and lifestyle, some of it is glorious and some of it is awful, but it is always interesting and DRAMATIC...hoooo ya!
So since I last wrote in my blog I have returned to life as a freelance writer, it is again, freakishly scary financially, but I am a much happier person. I am still trying to manifest the next level of my career, which will provide the financial security that I so anxiously desire. I know it is coming, I am soon to be a published author and more will be coming from that and I have a lot up my sleeve, but I need to get it out of my sleeve soon or um...well just get out of there already!
So I wondered where to take this blog now that I can't divulge too much from my daily life and I wondered where it left me. I started this to rouse myself and others about adoption, now I am a single mom, struggling to survive and maintain my childhood dream of being a writer....so I figured that was pretty interesting so I think I'm going to use this blog as a way to exercise my writing muscles and take my wacky approach to life and hemm and haw over it here. :) It may be entertaining and it maybe boring....lets see :)
So....why the silence. I think most bloggers go through this, they become real people to a lot of people and soon the thoughts and feelings that you were writing about anonymously, stop being as anonymous and then drama ensues...or stuff.
In July when I wrote my last post, we were forced to move out of our home and go into hiding because Little Diva's birth family had our address and phone number, since we are still in hiding, I can't go into more detail about that...EVER :) but we do have a good corresponding relationship with Little Diva's birth mom and I am happy that she has written many letters to Little Diva, telling her that she loves her. I don't fully trust anyone in Little Diva's birth family, but I do love them and I am happy that we have a relationship with them, but in order for our relationship to remain safe, I will have to stay in "hiding".
We also now have a beautiful relationship with Big Diva's older sister and her family and for that I will always be grateful, Big Diva knows her sister and loves her and I am so very glad that she has been found and that the missing part of Big Diva's history can be recovered.
When I last wrote, I was moving to a beautiful new house, with so much to learn and explore, now that we are here, we are learning everyday to live in a different culture and lifestyle, some of it is glorious and some of it is awful, but it is always interesting and DRAMATIC...hoooo ya!
So since I last wrote in my blog I have returned to life as a freelance writer, it is again, freakishly scary financially, but I am a much happier person. I am still trying to manifest the next level of my career, which will provide the financial security that I so anxiously desire. I know it is coming, I am soon to be a published author and more will be coming from that and I have a lot up my sleeve, but I need to get it out of my sleeve soon or um...well just get out of there already!
So I wondered where to take this blog now that I can't divulge too much from my daily life and I wondered where it left me. I started this to rouse myself and others about adoption, now I am a single mom, struggling to survive and maintain my childhood dream of being a writer....so I figured that was pretty interesting so I think I'm going to use this blog as a way to exercise my writing muscles and take my wacky approach to life and hemm and haw over it here. :) It may be entertaining and it maybe boring....lets see :)
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