*Just a warning, this post gets a little raw* We all get raw, just most of us don't broadcast it to the world, so Imma little crazy, I like to tell it all...cause I love stories, even mine.
We all know I have it and that it waivers greatly! I think on a whole, I'm a great believer in something, but I truly don't know what it is and I don't totally believe that I trust in it...which might actually be my problem. See if I believed in Kabbalah, I could just manifest with love all that I desire, but ya know (and most of you do) I have been manifesting FOR YEARS....daily. I have been grateful, loving, caring, giving...in essence GOOD!! In fact too good in most cases. And sometimes...well, sometimes I just don't always see it working. Ya know. Not for the big stuff, like finances and fulfilling life long dreams. Kids, I'm covered, I got those and they are amazing!!! Health, other than now being over weight (which I have never been before) I'm good (thank God!!! really) loved (check) creative (check) happy (mostly!) so life isn't bad, it just isn't what I have been manifesting. So THE MOVE TO CHINA....
Brings me to FAILURE! (just wait, I get there in the end...but roll with me here)
So when I was young I wanted to be an actress (but I have always really been a writer, ever since I was very young.) I was a good actress and eventually, just as my career was ending, was a really good actress...but alas... I failed as an actor.
I then became a filmmaker (but I'm still a writer), and was a REALLY GOOD filmmaker and made films that were in film festivals and were on the big screen and it was fun...but I wasn't able to make my living as a filmmaker...so I failed as a filmmaker.
I was almost a development executive at a big company and I worked hard, brought in cool ideas, tried to make it with the big guys and...was laid off, FAIL.
I then tried to make it as a writer, my true gift, my true voice and my true calling...and I have for the last five years, by the skin of my teeth have been working exclusively (except for the Daycare years) as a writer...mini succeed. But I didn't write my own works, but the works of others until recently when I was awarded a 10 book horror series which will bare my name...mini succeed. Still NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE....MOVE TO CHINA....fail?
I am a MOTHER...this I can say I do well. My kids are happy, loved, smart, they want for nothing, they haven't faced too much hardship and they wake up smiling and ready to greet the world every day. I feel like so far...I AM A SUCCESS as a mother. And a single mom at that, apart from help from my family and friends (when I need it) and the stipend from the state, I have done this parenting thing...alone, included feeding, housing and entertaining us. I guess in this regard, I have succeeded. But now, I have found a house that feels like a home and it is bigger than any place we have ever lived and I have nice things that I love and in the next week and until the end of the month we are giving away/selling IT ALL (but for whatever will fit in an 8 x 5 box)...today, I can't help but feel like this is a failure too. :( I mean, I guess if you measure your life in things, this would mean I have failed. Failed to keep the things we own.
Now..on the FAITH side, I am giving my things that I have truly LOVED to people who I know will also truly love them and need them as I needed them when I got them. Each deal and opportunity to buy something that I had coveted that others had was a great feeling for me. And yet now, I am giving those things, that I still love, to others. I can't lie...it hurts. And yet, isn't that a test of FAITH, to give to people who want and are in need in the hope that your life will be provided for and the you will benefit one day. Or maybe it won't...maybe we just simply will go back to not having those things anymore...even if we really loved them. :( This is where my faith waivers...I am leaping, but this is the biggest, blindest leap I have ever taken. Most would not take it and yet I am...and I am believing that this brings me one step closer to SUCCESS...
SUCCESS because I WILL continue to write in China, I WILL finish my book that has been 5 years in the making and I WILL sell it and IT ABSOLUTELY WILL BE A SUCCESS. China will probably bring me to the next level, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.
I am happy that I'm going to talk with Nice Therapist today, cause I need to...She of course doesn't think that moving to China is a failure, she believes it is an amazing accomplishment as not many are given this opportunity and I sort of have to agree, the recruiter did tell me that hundreds of people apply for the job I was given every day...so I know, that I am lucky to have been given this chance. Things are just things, but life experiences and adventures can not be bought and sold and last a life time, this again is a gift I am giving me and my children and I have to focus on that.
So I commit to finishing my crazy horror series, my amazing book and finishing the Diva Memoir and raise my kids in China, give my mom a chance to live abroad and try on a whole new life, not knowing if it is better, worse or the same....ahhhh blah!
Part of Disney's ongoing coolness as a company (at least so far) is to make sure that me and the kids are happy living in China, so my recruiter has hooked us up with another teacher working for Disney in Beijing. I get an email from him today and it turns out HE HAS A SON!!!! who is 2, so instant friend. We are meeting when we get to China and I have a family and a "friend" to help me understand the challenges of raising kids in China...who is in China working for the same company. This is very cool and it gives me just a little piece of mind. He did say housing prices are really expensive, but again, he is living in an expansive ex-pat neighborhood, so as I suspected, finding a house is my greatest concern outside of finding a home for my amazing dog :(
And finally THE WORST PHOTOS I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER OF MY KIDS...
I PRESENT TO YOU, THE PASSPORT PHOTOS OF BIG AND LITTLE DIVA!!!!!
Needless to say, my kids look a little freaked about the move as well. :) Onward to adventure....eeek!
EDITED TO ADD: I just got this post from a friend who has not only lived abroad with his family but just picked them up and moved them again on another adventure :) just about month before we did...with THE MOUSE as well.
Lorie - what a great adventure ahead of you. So proud of you for taking chances and showing your kids that some of the best lessons in life test our faith, hope and push the boundaries. Wishing you all the best and look forward to your continued blog updates.
And there you have that pesky faith again, giving you signs from...I don't know...GOD/Blue Fairy, Alien 754...that you are in fact on the right track...thanks friend... God (or whoever) I really needed that today!