Sunday, July 3, 2011

This will probably be the longest post you will ever read from me...so grab a beverage and a blanket!!! Or..."For the Love of a Dog"

I will admit that for the last month I have been dormant, on this blog, in my creative life, in my home life in all things...moving and doing, outside of parenting children, I have been almost totally immobile. This is actually quite a new feeling, one which I have never really experienced and it breaks down like this.

1. Move from my home = don't want to do it.
2. Sell all of my things = harder than you think
3. Say good bye to friends = sucks
4. Four bags (not news to any of you I am sure) = is absolutely NOT enough space to fit the lives of 3 people, two of whom are rock star level divas.

So seriously I have been completely immobilized by the fact that I didn't have a plan for my amazing dog Shiloh :( No one wanted her and I completely understand (shhh, no one knows this) but I probably wouldn't take anyone's dog either...so I understand entirely. I would have moved her to Beijing, but the Beijing police will confiscate dogs (which means kill) who are larger than one foot tall (from shoulder to floor) if they are found on the streets. I could have moved out to the suburbs, which are quite beautiful, but then I would have to commute 1.45 to 2 hours each way for work, which means I leave my girls without their mommy for over 12 hours a day, this is not what they are used to and not what I want for them. So it meant finding a home for her while we were in China, this seized my heart. When the offers from good hearted people didn't amount to a real option for her, I shut down. I was on serious auto pilot and nearly couldn't function.

Most people think of animals as that...animals, but Shiloh, my amazing little girl, is my first child. She saved my life, sort of, she helped me through a sad time in my life and lead me to Diva Dad (we lived in the same building) and she fell in love with his big beautiful dog Taos (who we lost last year). She jumped off of a 6 story building when Diva Dad tried to give her a bath on the rooftop veranda of our building and LIVED!!! She graciously let a screaming drug exposed baby into our lives and then she allowed Daycare baby cousins take over the house and then another little sister, with each she dutifully stood guard while they slept, played and learned about life. She tolerated ear tugging, hitting and tail pulling, begrudgingly allowing her little brood to mistreat her as they learned about the world and came to respect her as their protector, friend and bed buddy. She is kind, loving and obedient, her only fault is a need to beg for food, which toddlers have so plentifully supplied her and a need to be near. Outside of that, she is the cat/dog - Nanny Dog- and mommy's very first baby and best friend.

At first I was very sad that Diva Dad couldn't take her, but I understand his work and need for freedom, then there were all the friends who already had dogs and kids...which again, I totally understood, but it left my beautiful girl alone, "unwanted" and then an offer came...

It was for an assisted living facility who wanted her to help with the elderly in their care. Since she is a care taker, this would have been a really good role for her so I called and I was told that, yes, they want her, but they would want to KEEP her as the residents don't want to lose her after they bonded with her. At first I said "yes" (after having NO OTHER OPTIONS) and then on the day that I was washing her and grooming her for her first meeting (and shortly after, her transition to the home) I CRASHED. I sat with on the floor with her and I sobbed, heaving, heartfelt, gutteral sobs. I couldn't do it, I couldn't give my girl away. I know that some people can, but I can't. I just couldn't do it to her, I promised her that I would be there for her, at her last moment in life and here I was giving her away because she was "inconvenient" to me it felt as if I had sentenced her to death.

So I boldly called the lady and I told her "no" I couldn't give my baby away, she understood, and even though I didn't have another plan for Shiloh, I was firm on my decision to NOT give her away, even if she would have been fulfilling a noble cause and would have been deeply loved, I couldn't do it.

So I went to Facebook in my numb defeated state and read a post from a dear friend I had never "met", but have known for years. We are truly soul sisters as some of us are in the cyber world. I have a few Soul Sisters, I haven't met, but plan to soon. She is a person who wrote a blog on the adoption website all of us frequented and over the years we became the closest of friends, we held each other up in sadness and rejoiced in joy. When I started my blog, I was a young (in my idea of young) woman who felt utterly unprepared and unqualified to become a mom, but over the course of six years I am not only a mom, but a very good mother, for whom the title of "Mother" walks in the door before I do. She was already a mom before she became and adoptive parent, but walked through the minefield of foster adoption to finally adopt her two sons and become so much more of a mother, friend and mentor. She offered to take Shiloh and the weight that had been hanging on me like a sack of bricks finally lifted. :)

So not only does my dearest little girl have a great place to crash, I get to meet a long time friend for the first time. And this is where I get to thank God or whoever, for bringing this amazing set of life experiences together. I remember when I started my blog on the adoption website, it was on a whim and prompted by my anxiety to adopt a child, a child I had initially felt unqualified to raise, not because I wouldn't be good at it, but because I wasn't married and felt that I hadn't achieved much of live's success. But I wrote and wrote and wrote to alleviate my fears and soon other bloggers commented and became friends, they followed me through this blog and that as I tried to hold onto anonymity. And if I had never typed that first word of an anonymous blog that because a top ten read blog on the adoption site and had I never read other blogs and reached out to women who I admired, I would have missed out on so much of life and friendship and now a "friend" and fellow blogger has saved my sanity by taking Shiloh into her home and offering her and I peace of mind and peace of spirit.

Even if something were to happen to Shiloh, I know that she will be okay, I know that she will be loved and will be guarding and protecting children, even reluctantly as she does, she will take on the role she is so proud of. She will snuggle with adults and be in a home full of love. She will have a puppy to tame and keep her young and we will be able to Skype her, so that she knows we didn't leave her behind (at least not in our hearts). This has given me such a great amount of relief that I am finally able to blog again and live again, knowing that my oldest little girl will be okay. So to "Forever Family" I love you so much and I am beyond excited to finally get to meet you!!!!!!

So, I am feeling better as I try and put an entire house, 43 years of life and two kid's stuff into four suitcases and the odd carry on item. THIS.IS.NOT.EASY.

While I was totally of the slash and burn mindset, my heart tugged and pulled and tugged and pulled and pulled (yes, yes...get on with it!!!). So I decided to rent a pod and save some of my very favorite things and thus came another sense of relief.

Well, for the last few nights I have woken up in my home and I have been sobbing, I wake up in the middle of the night I am just heaving tears in my sleep. I assessed worried and assessed again and discovered that my stress was over leaving my dog AND leaving my home. While I have only been here a year, it was the place I planned on raising my children. Even though the neighbors are crazy, I still felt like this place was our home. So, I went back to sleep after a good cry and had a dream. In my dream, God or whoever said, "why don't you just put an ad up on Craigslist for a subletter and see what happens. If it is 'meant to be' it will be, if it is not...then you will stop crying!"

So, I did that I put an ad up on craigslist for someone to sublet my apartment while I was gone. In exactly 2.3 minutes a man answered the ad saying that the apartment was an answer to his prayers, the time frame was strangely perfect and that he could commit to the whole time and then leave, back to his home. WOW!!! And he doesn't want any of my stuff, so I continue to purge and free myself of clutter BUT!!!!!!!! I DON'T LOSE MY HOME!!!!!! Yeah!!!! Even if I don't come back here (cause all my stuff will still be in storage and essentially I will be moved out of here) knowing that I CAN, gives me an incredible peace of mind and with it... mental well being and with that I can continue to forge forward. But, just a few days ago, the guy flaked, however I have a few other offers and know that the right person will move in here and for that I feel a great sense of peace.

Okay...so I can't even tell you how little DOES fit into the suitcases, but I will persevere :) It just um...ISN'T A LOT...no really IT ISN'T....eeeekkkkkk!

Now back to where to live in Beijing.


Stuffed and Wall Mounted Turtle...

Stuffed Whippet??? Deer?

Doll Suicide????


Can I interest anyone in some crack?

The previous tenant was clearly a rock star...


Squatty Potty anyone...Oh Hell NO!

Puppy Potty!

Three Woks, Check! Four Sponges, Check! Rat Trap in the corner, Set! (iccccckeeee!)


Wall to Wall Mouse!

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