Wednesday, July 13, 2011

WARNING THIS IS REALLY RAW!!! and Sad, but don't be worried, I assume it is part of all of it all... :(

So, another subletter fell through, the reason...NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE IN THE GHETTO and I get it, its loud, its Latino and anyone who owns a computer (cause I advertised on Craigslist) can't really deal with these poor people. So, I understand. They are obnoxious if you are educated (and I am not saying that Mexican's are NOT well educated) and didn't plan on living in Mexico (I will say it is like living in a foreign country) and by obnoxious I mean, they DRINK A LOT, they play loud music, their freaking puppy runs into your house all the time, the kids are everywhere, they have no boundaries...etc. Even my neighbor admitted that "Mexicans" are "hot" people who tend to spark up a lot. I have a lot of friends who are Mexican and Latino and this is in NO WAY a cultural slam, but the reality of our neighborhood. In fact one of my single mommy Latino friends, I seriously think is a manufactured human, because she is one of the best, most organized, fun moms I know and I have many other Latino friends who are great people and great parents, this is not a reflection on them, this is a reflection on the people I have lived with in this neighborhood. For example on the day the last subletter came, her husband was playing music at ear drum shattering decibels and NO LESS than 30 beer cans laid strewn about them, enough beer cans to illicit a curious comment from the potential subletee who pulled up with his fiance in a Mercedes. I have been dealing with it, trying to be Zen about it, but part of me wants to shout "STAY ON YOUR SIDE!!!!" I'm fine if you are irresponsible on your side (ex. drink til you pass out, don't buy dog food for your dog, just put down melted ice cream and some hot chili Cheetos for doggie dinner, let your rabbits run loose in the yard etc.) BUT...this was the nicest place we have ever lived in :( I mean we had a really nice place in Eagle Rock, but I had to leave it (because of adoption related drama), this was bigger and two stories and felt like a home. I learned to deal with the neighbors and the noise and we were loved in the neighborhood. (next post is about the village losing their queen :) We taught them to learn new things as we learned new things...but alas...it is gone come Friday and we are free to move on...

So here's the thing...every time I lose stuff (and trust me it has been a lot of times) I just lose it...nothing nice and new replaces it, until now...but again...its gone :( It's like I can't catch a break. Even though I have a pending opportunity in place, I still feel worry that it will fall though like everything else has over the years. I have been promised the moon...and yet I have seen only dark skies. I have worked harder than anyone I know for my dreams and still they elude me. :(. But...I'm gonna believe that this is it...cause that's what I do...I believe in me despite all of it.

However, I am ready for a change, I lament the fact that I was beautiful and now I am fat :( I was hopeful and now I am skeptical. I know China and a new adventure awaits me...but I can't seem to get myself to believe that it has any real promise outside of a Chinese pay check...but hey any steady pay check is welcomed.

I can't seem to feel any feelings right now for fear that an avalanche of feelings will overtake me.

This I know is normal...this is grief, this is loss, this is a hundred shattered dreams revisiting me, this is about letting go and letting God... and I understand that this is healthy. And yet... I'll confess, I don't entirely trust God. I have seen good friends get cancer, lose jobs, go to homeless shelters, die... I know that this is all part of life and in life there is struggle, but it doesn't really promote confidence in God. Sometimes I wonder if God HATES ME and yet I know that I am loved, so even if a mythical figure like some all knowing, massively divine being isn't so fond of me, many amazing, wonderful, incredible PEOPLE are.

I also know that this is part of releasing every single piece of who I have created myself to be over the years and reinventing it into something different and trust me I'll take different. Once I was very proud of who I am...I was verging on narcissism as I thought myself beautiful, talented and teetering on the edge of success...I just pray I can return to that perspective, minus the narcissism.

So this is to God, or whoever....first Thank you for my children, they are incredible and so far have been able to accomplish all I have seemed challenged to acquire. They are happy, strong, self motivated, expectant, giving, fulfilled, content and confident. While I am infinitely grateful for them, my family and friends...I am challenged by your expectations of me. I do pray that you have some sort of end date for the constant struggle, that maybe this next opportunity is real, then I'll gladly give up my home and all of my worldly possessions (as I have just done) for the chance to live my dreams. But, if you plan on dashing me again...just expect a sternly worded letter to management and a cancellation of my membership to anything even remotely faithful!

Signed, angry, disappointed and reluctant to grow!

PS. while I am struggling, stubborn and reluctant...Big Diva is not! When I was caught crying Big Diva asked....

BD: Momma are you sad we leaving our house forever for China?
Mom: Yes I am sad.
BD: We can always visit here.
Mom: Sure we can, but I will miss this place.
BD: I know, but we are going to have a better place in China and then a place here, I know what will make you happy, I'll make you a salad, I have a tomato we grew in our garden, MOM! a salad will make you feel much better.
Mom: Okay, I'll have a salad, with some tomatoes from our garden (mind you, I have grown to tolerate tomatoes and we do grow them in our garden (evil side of me says: WHICH WE ARE LEAVING), but I still sort of hate them, like I can only eat a few as long as there are no seeds in them. And yet Big Diva's salad was Divine!!!!

And Big Diva is divine and this poor child has watched me sell all of her toys, is leaving her friends, her school (and school in general to be home schooled)has no clue what "China" really is outside of Ni Ho Kai Lan and Big Bird in China and yet is a thousand percent more stoked to go, like right now...or tomorrow! than I am. She knows our dog is going to New York and that she won't see Momma and Daddy Music,her cousin, her God Parents, her friends, teachers and Diva Dad (who may come for a visit, cross your fingers and so may my cousin and her family) for over a year and yet she is ready for this adventure, in fact she and Gaga Drama (Grandma) are both much more ready than I am. Little Diva just keeps saying "I go to China on airplane!" but she's stoked too...the only one not ready to go is me...and this maybe the best thing that has ever happened to me...and yet...I'm just not there yet, but I will be...I hope! But right now I am like a cold empty room...I have no feelings and no thoughts...nothing. I have a meeting with an agent next week and my stuff has been sent to them...and still...I am a vast open expanse of nothing.

Ahhh coping techniques.... I know these posts will eventually shed light on the obscure but at the moment the obscure wins!

OH and two pieces of random news :)

Here is our new car in Beijing:

And here is the house I want to live in Beijing :) (cross fingers) Its a townhouse in a complex that has a pool and a playground, it is WAY out of my price range, but this Realtor can give us a deal, however, this may be a scam/ploy so I have other fun places picked out and you will eventually see the real place we find, but I like to dream that this place may eventually be ours ;)


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