Friday, May 6, 2011

An Ode to Wine and What I Didn't Tell the Therapist!

Well, I'll just flat out say it. I'm a mom who drinks wine. There :) I don't drink it excessively, I have NEVER gotten drunk since being a parent (can't...cough.sputter.um...say that I didn't BEFORE parenting) but I like me some fermented grapes.

At yesterday's therapy I was given a worksheet to help me better understand Big Diva's drama, by seeing that I too (gasp) have sensory drama...guess what?! we all do, we just have it to varying degrees and this tidy little worksheet will out your sensory needs in a jiffy. Here are some of the questions....and well, the answers.

1. To help me wake up in the morning I usually need to....

MD: Well, I NEED to take a bath, have a cup of coffee, surf the internet, brush my teeth, pee, eat toast...what I get to do... IS PEE, with a two year old hanging on my leg wearing a soggy diaper and a five year old using the two year old's potty, cause as soon as she hears me pee, she needs to as well. WORTH NOTING: I do NOT pee, poop or void any other bodily fluid ALONE...EVER! The bathroom is just about as busy as our living room.

2. What I like most about our home is....

MD: Our home has these beautiful batiks on the walls, nice cozy furniture, Buddhas...I love the peace and vibrant beauty of our home. I adore our house...and if you can get past the dog hair rodents (balls of dog hair that have reanimated into beastly dust bunnies with teeth and fangs) and the yogurt stained walls, its pretty close to perfect. SCORE!

3. When I am frustrated and upset it helps to...

MD: (Panics) and SAYS: I go outside and breath heavily...(which I do, most of the time) But what it HELPS to do.... is drink wine. (Smile, breathe, sip)

4. When I prepare for bed or to calm myself I prefer to....

MD: (says) Pass out (not from drinking wine...seriously) BUT here's what my day looks like. 7AM, wake up like a bolt of lighting hit me between the eyes with two children storming my bedroom and bed. PEE (see#1) Dress, two picky-must-wear this-no this-not that-wait this, kids feed, two I wanna eat this, no that, no wait that, not this, I said "that!" kids, brush two heads of very curly hair, moisturize kid's hair and skin, re-puff hair, find shoes, get in the car drive to this one's school, then, that one's school, come home MAKE COFFEE. 9AM. Write Hollywood Starlet Memoir, ghost write garish vain mom shopping blog, write serial killer book, look for work, look for more work, keep looking for work 3:30PM pick up Big Diva, drive to get Little Diva, drive home...IMMEDIATELY strip off clothes to underwear (kids, not me, now that would be horror!) jump in pool with neighbor boys also sporting underwear, splash in pool, save 2 year olds from nearly drowning numerous times, take 5 shivering kids out... put my two in the bath (other three go to their bath) take kids out of bath dress in pajama/playwear, fix dinner feed anywhere from 2 to 5 or more children, finish food, go to the front yard ride bikes, make art projects, do homework, feed fruit for desert, socialize in Spanglish, clean up dinner (means pile in sink) put screaming over tired 35lbs 2 year old to bed, usually kicking and writhing. Sing 2 year old's three favorite songs in order, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle, Lullaby and then wait for her to sing her rendition of all three songs, Read Tiana book, lotion legs and give massage, hug kiss, close door. Return to 5 year old who is demanding her MOVIE THEATER time, either find a computer movie or put on a DVD for anywhere from 2 to 9 kids, listen to movie while, continuing to write Diva Hollywood Starlet book, Serial Killer Story, Dream Project...answer emails. 9PM Big Diva goes to bed, sing her two favorite songs Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, ABCD (same song folks, just different words) 5 year old is much more of a music aficionado, and I must sing in my best, hippest, most Lady Gaga like voice. Kiss. Hug. Close door. Write this blog, continue to write...till wee hours of the night...PASS OUT!!!! Everyday, 5 days a week, except for weekends, where I have my high energy, Diva, leader children to myself ALL DAY....So, what do I do to prepare myself for bed and calm down...?


5. What I need to concentrate, the environment I create includes:

Reality: It includes, "Mommy" being spoken at various octaves and decibels repeatedly at roughly 2.7 minute intervals over and over and over again. It usually includes the sounds of unbridled glee, that are so joyous only someone who has never had to pay a parking ticket, taxes or a library fine has the ability to create, it usually also includes some sort of shrieking and spontaneous wailing. There are often hugs motivated by overwhelming love or the overwhelming need to be rescued from a bullying sister, neighbor or two month old puppy. (not ours). In this peaceful academic environment I have written a 10 Best of Everything Book, 200 Best Job Interview Questions, A love story about Steppin' in Chicago as a black man educated in Argentina as a world renowned tango dancer, a screenplay about an angry escaped slave, 200 Best Home Businesses, A futuristic tale about the end of the Apocalypse and the world's next savior, a kids tale about fairies who live in a tree and a series of serial killer books about a seriously f'd up guy and that is just in the last 11 months....So the ENVIRONMENT I CREATE INCLUDES....I'll give you one guess. Yep, you guessed it A GLASS OF WINE. :)

And I will add, I'm not the only mom to do so, but as said in my last post, I pay great homage to that fine beverage as it has brought me this far and I know that together we will reach the stratosphere.

And if you think that my children are viceless and above petty foibles...I will merely say.

LITTLE DIVA: Sleeps in her shoes, every night and tantrums if they are not on her feet and...

BIG DIVA: Eats her own snot.

They don't call us Drama for nothing....night folks, time for????? ahhh....I'll just keep you guessin' on that one. :)

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