FISH KILLER/SERIAL KILLER, SINGLE MOM Therapy session #2

Momma Drama hangs head....

It is true.

Shhhh this is a secret, I boldly introduced "Bluey" to the Facebook world, I embraced him as the only male in our family and declared my parenthood to a little blue betta fish, that I must admit I loved. He would follow me around the aquarium and was a lot of fun to watch. We had him three days...and then he grew hair and died. And thus has ended my fish rearing...FOREVER!!! After the death of seven goldfish and a blue betta, I can officially be called a fish killer. In the infamous words of "whatever that fish was who said it" in the tank with Nemo, I am no better than the heinous braces-clad, Tweedle who vigorously shook birthday presents from her Uncle to death. I am no better than the whale slaughterers and dolphin killers that roam the open seas and sequester their kill in coves. I AM A FISH KILLER...and well, this makes me sad.

But fish aren't all I kill...(cue evil laugh). And my therapist...just can't quite get her head around it.

So lets back up a bit. Big announcement number 2 (yes, if you are counting the sudden death of Bluey is number 1) Big Diva is in therapy. Here's the deal with Big Diva. She is splendid and perfect and gorgeous and amazing...but Big Diva has some "drama". So we are dealing with Big Diva drama. Most of you know, that Big Diva was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, well, this hasn't been too too awful to endure, she just has quirks, but her quirks have turned into full scale, throw/break/shatter things tantrums and "HELL NO!" defiance that just didn't sit too well with her preschool teacher or class. So she was given a therapist and more testing, the good news about the testing is (insert mother gloating, bragging and otherwise annoying you!) she's really freaking smart. Her scores landed her in the top ten percent of children in the school district from ages 5-6 (most of whom are already in Kindergarten and yet, Big Diva is not yet)and has a raging score of 92% for comprehension. So you mix smart with "itchy" you get bitchy, or smithcy...if you're being technical. So we have a therapist and she is helping...but what I didn't bargain for is her being MY therapist too and now I have therapy once a week. This is fine, this is good, I have done the "how are you feeling" thing, so its a breeze...I see through a lot of the "stuff" and cut right to the chase, no need to be hand held into help...I just dive in, don't waste my time or yours.

So...today, I was killing people, before Nice Therapist came to the house...she also happens to have had a betta fish for the last three years, who is still alive. Seething with jealousy at her incredible fish husbandry, I started today's session after the death of Bluey and Megan Sweeney, the 91 lbs meth user and aspiring tattoo artist who was just pierced in the vein with a hypodermic needle full of air. Having recently returned to my EYES OF THE DESOLATE book series, I was writing again about the exploits of Nicky Tisdale the world's baldest, frumpiest and most invisible serial killer who is a pretty sick F*cker :). So I had to apologize lightly for my initial woozy feeling cause I was in a very strange headspace when she came in and had to shake it off.

So not to bore, I'll cut to the chase...

CONVERSATION:

Nice Therapist: It must be pretty hard to come up with that kind of gore?"

Mamma Drama: "No, not really, I have very good imagination, but I do always show the humanity in my characters, its my trademark, you aren't gonna get the gore without the human tragedy behind it...I'm not sure what is worse, reading the pain in the killer's story or the pain the killer inflicts." REAL CONVERSATION

NT: It still must be hard to be a MOM!!!!and write stuff like that.

MD: Yes.

NT: Can you separate yourself from the fiction that fast? (Mamma Drama hears: Do you want to hack up your kids?)

MD: I'm a mom, I have to. REAL CONVERSATION. But IN MY HEAD I SAID: If I can wake up to someone puking on my face, I surely can pull out of serial killer mode to make my kids a bowl of Kix.

NT: Still you must find it hard to live a double life?

MD: Yep,(smile) HEAD SAYS: I also find it hard to pay the bills, water the plants, KEEP FISH ALIVE, keep up with Big Diva's shoe collection, but you know, its part of the gig.

NT: Maybe you should work on some kind of mental transition...before you deal with your kids.

MD: Like what exactly? (look of interest and genuine concern) MY HEAD SAYS: Um like say... "kids, I just killed a character that I have taken 112 pages to develop, I really need some space right now, do me the slightest favor, can you tie your own shoes, fix your own dinner, cover and sanitize the pool while I find my happy space, please."

NT: I'm not sure, maybe watch a Disney movie or visit a mom blog.

NT: What a good thought. I say. HEAD SAYS: What a great idea, some how find a way to stall my children from needing my attention, THINKS: Only room with a lock is the bathroom, hmmmm there's a plan, lock them in there and then voluntarily of my own free will, watch a DISNEY MOVIE BY MYSELF? And then if I haven't had it good enough, read a mommy blog (I do love them, though :) and when I feel serene and peaceful without any more homicidal thoughts, release my children from bathroom lock down and make the family meal. She's a genius.

In all fairness, I do like Nice Therapist, while I feel slightly bamboozled into therapy, I appreciate her efforts. I also understand that my job maybe a little um...unusual for some, but I'm good, I have no homicidal thoughts that don't manifest on the page. I am FREAKED OUT that my mind can write such amazingly disgusting stuff, but I draw it from life and I do get real, again, it is part of my writing charm. You get the real with the fantasy gore and sex...deal with it, its part of my master plan.

However, feeling like a Fish Killer, who is really a Serial Killer while trying to be a Single Mom, did inspire enough unease to write this blog. :) Thank God for wine....but, I'll save that for my next post.